I started my day off with good intentions. Even though I slept slightly later than I wanted, I was still within a good time frame to "make my day". I had enough time to throw on some work clothes, and head out to join my fellow staff members at one of our new campuses for a paint-and-project day. 
But I couldn't do it. It was as if my body was filled with concrete. I recognized the feelings. I succumbed to these feelings the previous weekend, choosing to watch TV show after TV show while, I am sure, life happened outside my front door. 
I pushed myself out of bed, and got dressed. Grumbling, I searched for a shirt, pants and socks. Shoes. It's all so much. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, frowning. I brushed my hair. Fluffy. Clipped in a barrette. Okay, I am done. The caboodle of makeup ignored. Its all too much, too much. 
My husband asks for a good-morning kiss. I tell him, with snark, to not leave his clothes or cords or whatever in the living room 'cause I just cleaned it the night before. I am not a nice person. And I keeping moving, I will myself to keep momentum. Keep moving. I am going to be late now. I text my boss. 
The concrete in my body is moving slower now, and its harder to move. I made it back to the bedroom. Oh, the bed, is so inviting. I lay down, curled in a fetal position, with my boots on. I stare at the light streaming from the window onto the sheets. I don't know what to do. This doesn't feel right. Am I sad? I close my eyes. I want to disappear. 
I keep laying down, as if I am hiding from the world. My brain is spinning, a swirl of memories and emotions that I can't grab a hold of. Each moment is like a thousand moments, and I can't make it stop. I think of how I was depressed in college. I avoided people, hid in my room, overspent and overate. My roommate telling me I can't hide from God. 
I think to myself, I wasn't hiding from God back then, really, I was hiding from the world... from myself. But I am a grown up now, I can't just skip class or play online Scrabble all night (remember Literati?) and think it will just go away and no one will be affected.
I have been feeling this this gray cloud slowly loom towards me, and I can't escape it. 
Dave calls for me, not sure if I left without saying goodbye or what. I don't answer. Maybe I can stay this way forever, but the guilt and anxiety of letting people down is seeping in. I am supposed to be at work.
He comes to me, I can't see his face. He asks if I am okay, and I say something, but its all garbled in the pillow. He starts to rub my back. Asking questions - "How can I fix this?", and the dam bursts. 
Icantdoitall. IamsotiredbutIthinkIamjustsad. Idontknow. Idontnow. Iamlettingpeopledown. Ineedtogo. Idontknow. I dontknow. Iamnotperfect. Igotsomuchtodo. Tears and more tears, my already plugged up sinuses begging for air. I sob. I don't know why, but it does feel better to cry. I say things that don't make sense. Something about cleaning and the cats and work and my small group and balancing the checkbook.
Dave keeps rubbing my back. "I'll do the dishes" he promises - an attempt to alleviate the heavy load I am feeling. "You can miss youth group... whatever you need." 
He keeps rubbing my back, and I think of John Eldredge's book - or maybe it was Staci's book?, I can't remember - where he talks about his wife dealing with Depression and how he fought like a knight for his wife - battling things she couldn't battle. I remember how comforting this was to read in my twenties when I was still dreaming of who my knight would be... Yes, I imagined how my future husband would slay all the dragons for me. It all seemed so romantic; nothing like me slobbering on the bed, confused and sad and numb.
I pray for Dave to fight for me, like in the book. I cry. He rubs. He is trying. He loves me so much. But he's got dragons too, something my naive 20-year-old self failed to think about as well. But I start to feel a little better. 
...
The cloud starts to lift a little, and I wonder if I've been laying down for years or hours because I feel so old. I start to do what I always do, and will myself to get up. I text my boss. I go back to the bathroom, brush my hair, brush my teeth. Put on makeup. I feed the cats. I gather my things for the day. 
I take a deep breath, and put one foot in front of the other.

 I entered 2016 cozy in my comfy-Bimart-way-too-long-but-who-cares-black-sweatpants. I love those pants. I entered the new year exhausted, my sleep schedule destroyed from being off work for over a week. Naturally, if I don't have work to tell me when to wake up and be somewhere, I will become a nocturnal dweller - spending my wake, productive hours after the sun goes down and sleeping in 'til lunch-time. #shame
I am a terrible morning person.
I entered the new year, stuck at home from a crazy snow-ice-storm, where I ate tomato bisque soup and binge-watched television like the President of Couch Potatoes. I did not enter the new year with a lot of gusto. Let's me real here. I was a puddle of blah. 

Maybe 2015 just knocked me out a bit. It was a rough and tough year. And I was freakishly busy juggling work and ministry and house and personal care like I knew what I was doing. (Sometimes I did.) It was not a year to be Employee-of-the-Year, despite having many successes on the work-front. 
I am tired. Spent. My cup runneth dry. I missed the life I thought I was suppose to have. 

I entered 2016 bombarded with the question of goals and resolutions. Specifically, what mine were and how I was going to accomplish them. I hated the idea of picking something and then forgetting about it a month later. I hated the idea of being all naive and cliche about a goal, when I should have picked something more solid and helpful. I really just hated everything.
So, I prayed about it. "Lord, what do you want me to do?" It's not like he took me out to coffee and said in a calm God-voice that I needed to cool my jets or to snap out of it. I didn't feel a sudden warm fuzzy feeling. A light did not suddenly come on. But I did feel some relief.
I would give myself the month of January to just breathe.
Whatever that looks like. It's not like I didn't have a lot to do this month. Another big women's event to direct. A new Lifegroup season to prepare for. Volunteer teams to lead. Youth group resuming. Life happening. This and that and those things. 
But I needed to give myself some grace. I am still learning this concept of granting one's own self-care, but I knew I needed to not worry so much about a measurable goal or a New Year's Resolution.
I took off my FitBit. (Just for the month, I promise.) It felt really weird at first not having it on. Like I was missing something really important. I had worn it religiously for about ten months. But I didn't want to worry about how many steps I was taking or how much water I was drinking or even how much sleep I was getting. 
I wanted to just be.

I started cooking again. Inspired to cook healthfully for both my husband and I. So far, I have used a meal plan from a magazine and this last week, I picked some recipes to try out. Meal planning gave me something to look forward to, something to create. And oddly, it didn't stress me out. It gave me joy.

I've been meditating on Psalm 126, which talks about restoration and joy. About how we thank God for the restoration He has done, but also the anticipation of what He will restore in the future. These words from Scripture, give me a glimmer of hope. And this year -I finally figured out - will be a year of restoration.
I don't know what it means yet. I know it will involve a lot of rest, a lot of study, a lot of work, a lot of words shared and heard, a lot of relationship building and probably a lot of tears. Could also mean some big changes.
​I have some big hurdles to jump over this year, and I know I will be tripping on them along the way. It will hurt, but at least I am not alone. God knows the crap I have to work through. He loves me anyways. He knows and He still loves me.  

There are many things I am afraid of:

• Driving on tall bridges - I worry I will get scooped up by the wind and thrown into the water OR that I will accidentally drive through the barrier.
• Swimming in deep waters.
• Jumping off of tall things.
• Snakes.
• Being made a fool of.
• Seeing a police car when I know I am slightly over the speed limit.
• Being rejected.
• When I was in middle school/high school/college: talking to boys.
• Being chased by dogs.
• Driving in icy or inclement weather, including heavy rains.

As I was preparing for Lifegroup this week, I was thinking of these fears a lot. The study? The miracle of Jesus walking on the water. (John 6:16-21) 
Meet the disciples, on a boat, about three and half miles out on the Sea of Galilee. This alone, would be terrifying to me. It's dark, Jesus is no where to be seen, so they start the journey across the sea. And then it hits: a terrible, awful storm. A strong wind was blowing and the waters grew rough. 
The disciples are doing everything they know to do, to get through it. Some of these guys are fishermen, who have gone through all sorts of rough waters. These guys were spent. Tired. Wet. Afraid. Mark Batterson says in The Grave Robber to imagine the sinking fear coupled with futility.
They saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were frightened. Folks, miracles don't happen when things are hunky-dory. They don't happen in the safe bubble. Batterson says miracles happen when Jesus shows up and shows off.  
But he said to them: "It is I; don't be afraid." Hey guys, remember me? I am right here. I didn't leave you.
***
Through the storms, when we are really afraid and we aren't sure how we will survive or how it will work out: God is there. He does not leave us. When things are at their worse, and God shows up: this is where the miracles live. I've got some storms brewing. Our finances. Family. Work. Everything. It all ebbs and flows the same as any other household. We are always working through one thing or the other. "We" being my husband and I. But, I find often that I forget that God gave me this great partner, who can handle stress better than me. I take it all in, soaking it in like a sponge but left feeling dry and empty. I hold on the idea that I must be brave, I must conquer, I must know it all and handle things perfectly.
It doesn't happen. 
I am always messing things up. I get grouchy. I say the wrong things. I worry. I take on too much, and get exhausted. I forget to rest, to enjoy, to seek the beauty around me. So, I try to avoid the hard stuff AND the fun stuff in an attempt to find some balance or peace that will make feel less disappointing to others or less angry towards others. 
Its not the best thing to do.
Relationships are strained. I am not happy. Its a vicious cycle I desperately want to get out of. I feel like the lone person on the boat, being tossed around. I must recognize all the miracles God is doing in my life and give my praises to Him. 

2015 will always be known as the year the Hubs and I ventured out of our "we-don't-do-costumes" box in a very big, very green way. We've been promising Shrek and Fiona for years, but have always been able to excuse our way out of it.

I think we naturally resemble the famous ogres already. Lovely. 

I confess, I thought we'd be able to get out of doing the costumes when I announced we were going to attend a Children's Ministry Staff Appreciation Party, scheduled for the 30th of October. I asked the Children's Pastor if people were dressing up (see, its my fault), and she was like "oh well, we weren't going to, but since so many people have asked... sure! Why not!"

Oh geesh. So, here we go. I was not about to buy an already made up mask and costume. That's lame. As a kid, my Halloween costumes were always invented with dress up clothes my mom would find at thrift shops (the year my sister and I were "old fashioned movie stars" or whatever was in the closet (the year I was a housewife who apparently lives in a bathroom and a towel on her head.) The best year was when my sister and I dressed as a pair of old ladies. As we trick 'r treated all the old ladies would gush all over us. 

As I got older, I was too cool for costumes or maybe I was just too lazy to put them together. In high school, I dressed like Amber Waves from Boogie Nights. (Yes, every mom wants their Christian daughter to dress like a porn star!) In college, I won a Halloween costume for my carefully put together Pippi Long-stocking ensemble. I am noticing as I write, that a lot of my costumes are of famous redheads. Maybe next year I will be Lucille Ball. 

Two sets of green Ogre ears. DONE! HOW I DID IT: Crayola's green Model Magic  
Green, bald head for Shrek DONE! Bald cap with green face paint smeared all over it. 
Brown vest for Shrek. DONE! HOW I DID IT: brown felt, a history of Project Runway, needle and thread, and Aileen's Tacky Glue
Green Velvet Dress for Fiona. DONE! HOW I DID IT: Several years ago, I was blessed with a box of clothes from someone who had lost a ton of weight, and thought I could use her hand-me-downs. #thejoyofbeingbig Anyways, in the box, was a green velvet nightgown/house dress. It was perfect. I sewed gold ribbon the collar and waist.
Green legs for Fiona DONE! Found green leggings at Target's Clearance rack for $6. Score!
Princess Stuff for Fiona DONE! Found awesome "Fall-Time" necklace on the Clearance table at Kohls for $9.80. For a necklace and earring set I will wear again? Not bad.
Rope Belt for Shrek DONE! Found some garden rope at Lowe's for $8. 
Bugs ans Such, Ogre Food DONE! Found chocolate eyeballs for Shrek to hand out at the party to all the little kids.
Green faces/chest, arms. DONE! Thanks to lots and lots of green face paint. The rick to washing it off was bar soap and warm water. 

***
Friday night, it was Shrek + Fiona at the Halloween Party. It was so fun that everyone got into the costumes. We had "Thing 1" and "Thing 2", five or six Batman's, a fairy, Red Riding Hood, some Zombies and more. I couldn't help but snap a picture of all the Batmans with the Riddle "captured" in the middle... even Alfred showed up!

Part two of my "Miracles of Jesus" series for youth group.

John 6:1-13
Some time after this, Jesus crossed to the far shore of the Sea of Galilee (that is, the Sea of Tiberias), and a great crowd of people followed him because they saw the signs he had performed by healing the sick. Then Jesus went up on a mountainside and sat down with his disciples. The Jewish Passover Festival was near.
Jesus was out and about doing miracles. He is CONTINUALLY doing miracles, healing people. I liken the idea to a celebrity who is starting out – they are all over the place. Facebook, twitter, Jimmy Fallon – everyone wants a piece of Jesus. So much so, that people have followed him to this small town near the Sea of Galilee. I love the word “fangirling” – people were fangirling Jesus. Everyone wanted to be around him. 

When Jesus looked up and saw a great crowd coming toward him, he said to Philip, “Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?” He asked this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going to do.
 Why do you think Jesus was worried about the crowd getting something to eat? I mean, shouldn’t they have brought their own food? Planned ahead? Why is it Jesus’s job to feed everyone? I bet there are times when you invite friends over and your folks are like “we have to feed them!” Jesus wanted to meet their needs. He CARES about us, and he knew that this crowd of people would be hungry. He also knew that the town was not equipped to feed everyone. There is a difference between taking a group to an all-you-can-eat buffet and asking a group to share your dinner plate.
 
Philip answered him, “It would take more than half a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!”
Jesus knew there was not enough food for everyone. But he wanted to see what the disciples would say – how they would respond. Would they freak out? Worry? Would they come up practical solutions? I think sometimes God is curious how we’d respond to crisis. I know my boss does!
 
Another of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up,“Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?”
Wow. A kid saved the day! Would you share your lunch? How is it that the only person who thought to bring a lunch was a child? God uses the young and the old! I imagine, that even the fact that the kid is FOUND amounts the thousands of people is a miracle.
 
Jesus said, “Have the people sit down.” There was plenty of grass in that place, and they sat down (about five thousand men were there). Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.
Jesus gave direction. “Have them sit down.” I bet he was like “Sit down folks, and let me show you what I can do!” Its hard for me to imagine the logistics of all this. Did they get into lines? Did the disciples walk around, distributing the food? And how did it happen? How did two fish and five loaves of bread become such feast? Its hard to wrap our brains around it! How did he do it? How long did it take?  It’s a miracle! The Bible is full of stories where God’s gift to us is FOOD. Yum!
 
When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, “Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.” So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten.
This blows my mind. ENOUGH! Jesus knew when the crowd was satisfied. He knew how much food the men would need, how much the kids needed. He provided exactly what every person needed. I bet all the Cocoa’s and Elwoods got fed too. Haha! When everyone was done, when they were no longer hungry, then Jesus told the disiples to collect all the leftover food and filled baskets. I wonder if this is an example of Jesus providing for the disciples- he not only made sure the crowd was taken care of, but he did not forget about those who were following him closely. He took care of his people. And there was overflow.
 
This story is found in all four gospels. It’s a story that demonstrates that jesus is the supplier of all human needs. It shows so clearly that God do incredible things with very little.
When we give little, God gives much. He doesn’t want us to be stuck with the math that 5 +2 = 7. He wants us to remember that WITH GOD, 5 + 2 = 5000 R12. This story shows an “only God” moment. Do you have your own example of an “Only God” moment? Maybe you didn’t know how something would work out? And then it did, and it only by God’s grace and provision!
 
Jesus also demonstrates a thankful heart. The simple act of gratitude sets up a miracle. I want everyone to take a moment to think of something they are grateful for right now- share it.
 
Nothing is too big for God. NOTHING! Jeremiah 32:17 says “Ah Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.” Like I said last week, God is able!
We have a tendency to ask God to do things that are just outside our ability. Is there an impossible situation in your life that “only God” can solve? An impossible person? An impossible dream? Write it down! And start believing God is bigger than your mistakes, biggest fears and biggest dreams.

Part one of my "Miracles of Jesus" series for youth group.
​
​​Do you tend to look at people and think “wow they have a lot of potential?” or do you look at them and think “hot mess!”
It’s super easy to think hot mess. Because frankly, we are all a hot mess. We got stuff. We’ve made mistakes. We will make mistakes tomorrow and the next day. We are a hot mess.
But I like to look around the room and think: no this isn’t a room full of kids with tons of baggage. I like to look at you and think “there’s potential here.” God is working on the lives of each one of you and there are great things to come. There is hope for this generation. There is hope for you because of Jesus.
***
Last week, Pastor Dave had us read some scriptures. One of them was 2 Corinthians 5:17:
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!
I’ve been thinking a lot of this idea of being “new” – I like new things. I like turning the page in a notebook, and seeing a clean, white page ready to fill. I like using a new Sharpie pen, the point still sharp and pointy. I like the feeling of car after it’s been thoroughly cleaned – it feels new. We are in a new place, it feels good, right? When I think of myself as new- it’s harder to grasp it. I mean, I still look the same.
When Christ enters our life, when we give ourselves to him, he makes us new – every single time. This happens every time we let go of the old stuff, the past, the mistakes, the things we are worrying about and give them to God. And he does not grow tired of us. He wants us to come to him.
We give our stuff to God by praying. When we pray we are communicating to God our feelings and what we need. He already knows what we need. But God wants us to pray because he loves hearing from us. He loves us.
***
I am doing a bible study right now, where we are going through seven miracles that Jesus did. We’ve already gone through when he turned water into wine, and when he cured the royal official’s son. These are amazing stories to read and study and ponder. This week I read through the story of when Jesus healed in invalid at these healing pools called Bethesa. You can find it in John chapter 5.
Now these pools were pretty powerful. The people believed that when the water stirred that it was the act of angels, and whoever got in the water first would be healed. It doesn’t say whether or not people were truly healed, but people who were disabled came to this pool with the hope of healing. They would wait there for days, years for the chance that the water would stir. One guy, who we only know as the invalid, waited at the pool for 38 years. He had his own mat, and he lay there waiting, and waiting.
Jesus saw this man – I am sure a lot of the people in the area knew him. But when Jesus saw him and figured out that this man had been there for 38 years, he asked, “DO YOU WANT TO GET WELL?”
Guys, is there something that God is stirring in your heart where you know, deep deep down that something isn’t right. Maybe its not as extreme as being paralyzed. What is about that thing that makes you want to hold on to it so tightly? Do you feel safe? Do you love it? Does it love you back? Are you afraid? Is fear holding you back from change.
Jesus asked the invalid – wait, what? When you think of invalid you think of what? Someone without value, without purpose, without hope. Jesus asked this man, “do you WANT to get well?”
Whoa – we have a choice here?
“Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”
We can choose to stay on the mat, waiting for something that may never come. Making excuses – “oh no is helping me” I can’t do it alone. I am scared. I can’t reach I am too short. I am not smart enough, brave enough, strong enough… enough!
We have a choice to stay safe, stay on the mat or say YES! Yes, we want to get well. Yes we want something different. That’s some crazy power in the word yes!
The Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.
Wait, what? Just like that? No magic water? The man got up – and not only was he able to walk but he was renewed and energized.
He was a new creation.
I think we can all related to the invalid. The good news is that Jesus died on the cross for us. “For God so loved the world he gave his only son…” We are so loved. Because of that love, we are a new creation.
***
I know I have negative tapes that play in my head. These tapes are often louder than the truth that God wants for me. How do I turn down the volume? How do I get well?
 
I believe.
I am loved.
I am chosen.
I am known.

I am a new creation. I am not a hot mess with no potential. God has purpose and meaning and so many great things for each one us. He wants to heal you from the places you get stuck in.  The Bible says that you more than a conqueror. You are the apple of God’s eye. You are sought after. You are a joint heir with Christ. You are a child of God.
The Bible is a mirror that enables us to see ourselves for who we really are. But you can’t just take an occasional glance. You need to stare at it until it changes the reflection you see in the mirror.
 
You have your WHOLE lives ahead of you. You are way too young to let your past stop you from an amazing future.

I was really anxious about going to this year's Unstoppable Love Women's Retreat (Revolution Church). I attended the previous year's retreat with the main goal of connecting with women. I remember feeling like a total newbie at the church, since I could not attend the Sunday services. I remember having a terrible migraine (not good), crying a lot (good) and being held and prayed over (very good.)
This year, I felt deep-down in my core that my set mission for this retreat was going to go beyond making friends. As a Pro-Avoid-er, I told my husband (about a dozen times) that I wasn't going, and he stayed patient. "It's your decision, Babe," he repeated. I made a list of all the reasons why I was nervous or why I should stay home. I was looking for excuses. But the list did not give me peace.
I shared with some dear friends that I was having some anxiety about going. They listened, asked thoughtful questions, and they prayed for me that whatever it was holding me back would be resolved. I knew I was trying to avoid something good, and I was letting fears get in the way. 
Once I made the decision not to go, I knew it was the wrong decision. Regardless of finances, worry or whatever else the Enemy would throw my way I was going to go. I said yes.
***
As I was leaving town, a friend called with word for me. She and I had been reading about the miracle of Jesus turning water into wine as past of a small group we were both in. She asked me: "What does the headwaiter say about the wine?" I respond, "He was impressed that they saved the best for last." She says ah-ha, and continues, "No, read it again! It says 'Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best til now.' It does not say last, it says NOW!" Her and I ruminated on the passage. And we both knew in our heart of hearts that God wanted the best for NOW - not later, not at the very end, but now. He cares immeasurably more than I could ever imagine about me at this very moment. It sounded weirdly perfect, and I held onto the promise. (John, Chapter 2)
***
I drove myself, listening to the radio and thinking about a million miles a minute. I stopped flipping the channels when I caught Terry Gross from Fresh Air interviewing a sculptor named Andy Goldsworthy, whose work sounded magical and mysterious. He sees wonderful beauty in nature, where his medium is fallen trees, leaves, ice, water, stones, wood and all-things-natural and his canvas is everywhere. He is patient, careful, persistent and thoughtful. His art could last years, changing through the seasons as decay and weather shape its new existence. His art could last minutes. That is the beauty. I learned about rainshadows and the word ephemeral. I was inspired to create, to think, to pray, to seek the beauty around me. 
*** 
I arrived late, not a surprise as I drove myself and had a billion things to do between getting off work and hitting the road (Food for Dave - check. Cats taken care of - check. Shower - check. Pack - check. Get gas - check. Snacks - check.) I knew everyone was meeting at the local Lutheran church for worship and ministry. We had grown out of our old meeting space, an exciting sign of growth for the church.
I entered the building, taking in the stained glass, rows of pews and the quilted tapestries so-familiar in older churches.  I was at first confident, spotting familiar faces and feeling inundated with the sound of worship. I found a seat in a back pew. As I was about to take off my fleece pullover, a woman stood up, walked to me and gave me a hug, welcoming me to the retreat. It felt really nice. But then she whispered in my ear, "You can't sit there. Someone else is sitting there, she just left for the bathroom."
Pain to the heart. I immediately felt two feet tall, awkward, unwelcomed and unloved. Why I had to go first to those terrible feelings, I don't know. But its real. I got up, walked to the back and leaned against the wall. The wall fell backwards as it was just a partition. My face blazed. I froze. Nowhere to go.  I couldn't find a spot, I didn't know what was taken or not. 
***
Worship ends and I am waved over to an empty space on a pew. Relief is all I felt. I sit, intent to listen and get myself ready for whatever God has for me. But I feel the wall is up around my heart and I don't know how to shake it.
***
"I had a vision," Kim, the women's ministry director, speaks over us. "I had a vision during worship where angels were at the door, welcoming us in. They looked like waiters, or ushers, and they were ready for us, asking to take our coats as we arrived. But instead of coats, what they wanted was our pride."
My heart leaps to my throat, and my brain immediately whirls with thoughts. I WAS welcomed in this space; God wanted me here. When I about to take off my fleece, God was asking me to take off my pride. To get comfortable. To enjoy. To rest. But I was interrupted, and I kept my fleece on; therefore, I kept my pride on and it became a hindrance. I knew in my heart, I needed to let go of my pride this weekend, and that God had plans for me.

ON MY AMAZON WISHLIST: 
Rivers & Tides (2001) 

​I started to write a Facebook post about my day, and it became too long. So, I am sharing it here because I don't want to waste all those beautiful words. (Sarcasm.) Enjoy. I am sure you will clearly see why its here and not on FB. Or maybe you will see why I should have deleted it altogether.  
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I've been a working maniac. I am on my 8th full day of working in a row and I am feeling the tiredness. I was going to try to take part of today off, but GUESS WHAT!? Dave and I were woken up by someone pounding on the front door. Dave answered it ('cause I wasn't about to get up), and it was a road construction guy. He was there to inform us we had 10 minutes to leave the house before the road would be closed. 10 MINUTES! That's not enough time to pee. Well, maybe to pee, but not much else. Yes, we knew the day was coming, but we didn't know which day. I get up, quickly put on a workout outfit, feed the cats (because I know better than to leave Dave with the task) and jump in my car. Dave, well, he had to reschedule with a client, and has been trapped at the house all day. Oh and he is fuming. He said he wrote a letter to the President and signed it with my dad's name. I think he was kidding. Well, I got to work at 8:30am with coffee in hand. Apparently, a lot of people come to work at that time - y'know, on time. I never know, since I usually come in around 10am.  And since I was dressed so comfy, I totally cleaned my office space, organized weeks and weeks worth of event stuff that was making piles in my office area and I took care of tons of stuff I've been avoiding. I feel very accomplished. #accomplished I also set up new speakers and am rocking out to the "Sunday Morning Drive to Church" Amazon Prime Playlist. Tomorrow is a fun 12-hour day at the church with the start of my Tuesday Night Lifegroup (aka WLG) and I am really, really praying for the energy, enthusiasm and focus to make it through! I just heard there are over 40 amazing women signed up for the group. AWESOME. So, even though I am tired, I am happy. And even though I really, really wish I could go home and go to sleep, I am happy my office looks nice and clean. And I love this playlist.

Juice: 2 carrots + 2 apples + nub of fresh ginger.
Tasty.
I've been sipping on it from 10:30am to 4:30pm.
I'm fairly certain the lack of other food is why I am so stinking hungry right now. And fantasizing about the sea salt and honey donuts from Pip's Original Donuts. 

Mood: All-over-the-place. Swamped (SWAMPED!) with details to do for the next big women's event. My email is exhausted too. I love it. Did I mention: I'm hungry! (EAT GIRL, JUST EAT! QUIT WHINING!)

Steps: 1,463. Pitiful. I blame working at my desk all day. Darn those office jobs.

What I am doing next: Meeting with Miss K from the youth group for a sips and snacks before we meet up with rest of the youth group at 6pm. Tonight, we head north to Vancouver for a Darrell Evans worship concert. The way things are going for me, once I get into worship and stop thinking of the crazy checklist I have, I might start sobbing. #thankyouJesus

Last November 2014, I began a journey of health, healing and beauty. I was inspired by my friend Beth, who had begun her own journey of beauty the previous year. Her journey could totally be renamed: A Journey of Kickassery, as she grabbed the reigns on her health and personal life through diet, exercise, personal writing and more. Seriously. She lost tons of weight, went through major family changes, raised and home-schooled a child and stayed grounded in her faith. She is a passionate, super-fun person, and was able to take all that natural enthusiasm and focus it on improving the quality of her life. I knew I needed to bottle some of that kickassery and jump-start my own journey and proclaim my own fight for health and freedom. 
So, I started by going to my doctor and a natural path. I got my diagnoses in order [more on those later] and made a promise to myself to be super diligent about taking my prescribed medicines and supplements. Folks, this was a biggie for me. I hate taking pills and have always struggled to maintain a daily habit of pill popping. 
I also made a chart, old-school-style, on a big ol' piece of poster board to document my weight loss. I had no idea what a good starting goal would be, so I just marked the chart as far as the paper let me. That was my first goal: to make it to 271lbs by mid-July, 2015, which was about 25 pounds to lose over the course of at least nine months. A super-safe goal. [Nearing so close to 300lbs was a real wake-up call!]
I maintained taking my medicines throughout the winter, but saw no physical difference. My weight stayed fairly consistent, and clothes were no looser. I was pretty disappointed. I did notice changes in my mood, which I credited to my B6 supplement. 
I needed to make another step forward, and when my friend Joy (you'll hear a lot about her too) shared that she was going to use the MyFitnessPal app to maintain a food diary, I said I would join her. This was mid-March. I added everything - EVERYTHING - to that app. A couple things became super clear to me: I didn't like to eat in the morning (so all my calories were in the evening when I was the most inactive) and my portions were all off. I also drank too much soda, specifically Diet Coke, and not enough water. I loved fatty, sugary foods and tended to binge when stressed.
I made a deal with myself to drink one Diet Coke per day. A little over a month later, I realized I hadn't had Diet Coke in several days. I looked up my last Diet Coke on the MyFitnessPal app and it had been over a week since I had consumed a soda. Almost on cue, I got a massive headache that lasted several days, but I maintained not drinking Diet Coke, or any other soda. I was determined. It's now mid-September and I have yet to drink a Diet Coke. Confession: I have had orange soda and Root Beer on occasion, but feel proud of myself for not giving in to drinking Diet Coke. 
I remember years and years and years ago reading an article where Alison Sweeney talked about how when she gave up Diet Coke and sodas, she lost a lot of weight. I was hopeful. 
I added tracking steps - first with a step tracker on my phone and eventually with the FitBit Charge HR. Tracking steps led to making it through two 10,000 steps a day online support groups, walking my neighborhood, and joining a gym. I also tracked water intake. After all of this effort, patience and prayer, by mid-July, I was down to 270.5. I made my goal! Clothes felt better, and people were noticing. To celebrate, I walked/ran my first 5k on July 11th. 
What happens next? I was post-5k, post-meeting my first goal and, honestly, burnt out from maintaining everything. And, well, life happened.
IT was a busy season of youth ministry fund-raising (firework stand!), my 5-year anniversary, a week of camp, big events at work, turning 35, maintaining a home and caring for my hubs and cats AND, folks, it was simply being the hottest summer Oregon has experienced in, like, forever. Due to all of these excuses, my journey took a bit of a pause. I continued to wear my FitBit (though don't make the goal every day) and watched my food and soda intake. I've managed (by God's grace), to maintain my weight, but definitely need to get moving again and get busy on my next big goal.
Enter this blog. As I kick things up again, I am going to add keeping a journal - or well, a blog. I will share goals, ups and downs, and what I am doing to make it all happen. Let's make it happen!