I started my day off with good intentions. Even though I slept slightly later than I wanted, I was still within a good time frame to "make my day". I had enough time to throw on some work clothes, and head out to join my fellow staff members at one of our new campuses for a paint-and-project day. 
But I couldn't do it. It was as if my body was filled with concrete. I recognized the feelings. I succumbed to these feelings the previous weekend, choosing to watch TV show after TV show while, I am sure, life happened outside my front door. 
I pushed myself out of bed, and got dressed. Grumbling, I searched for a shirt, pants and socks. Shoes. It's all so much. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, frowning. I brushed my hair. Fluffy. Clipped in a barrette. Okay, I am done. The caboodle of makeup ignored. Its all too much, too much. 
My husband asks for a good-morning kiss. I tell him, with snark, to not leave his clothes or cords or whatever in the living room 'cause I just cleaned it the night before. I am not a nice person. And I keeping moving, I will myself to keep momentum. Keep moving. I am going to be late now. I text my boss. 
The concrete in my body is moving slower now, and its harder to move. I made it back to the bedroom. Oh, the bed, is so inviting. I lay down, curled in a fetal position, with my boots on. I stare at the light streaming from the window onto the sheets. I don't know what to do. This doesn't feel right. Am I sad? I close my eyes. I want to disappear. 
I keep laying down, as if I am hiding from the world. My brain is spinning, a swirl of memories and emotions that I can't grab a hold of. Each moment is like a thousand moments, and I can't make it stop. I think of how I was depressed in college. I avoided people, hid in my room, overspent and overate. My roommate telling me I can't hide from God. 
I think to myself, I wasn't hiding from God back then, really, I was hiding from the world... from myself. But I am a grown up now, I can't just skip class or play online Scrabble all night (remember Literati?) and think it will just go away and no one will be affected.
I have been feeling this this gray cloud slowly loom towards me, and I can't escape it. 
Dave calls for me, not sure if I left without saying goodbye or what. I don't answer. Maybe I can stay this way forever, but the guilt and anxiety of letting people down is seeping in. I am supposed to be at work.
He comes to me, I can't see his face. He asks if I am okay, and I say something, but its all garbled in the pillow. He starts to rub my back. Asking questions - "How can I fix this?", and the dam bursts. 
Icantdoitall. IamsotiredbutIthinkIamjustsad. Idontknow. Idontnow. Iamlettingpeopledown. Ineedtogo. Idontknow. I dontknow. Iamnotperfect. Igotsomuchtodo. Tears and more tears, my already plugged up sinuses begging for air. I sob. I don't know why, but it does feel better to cry. I say things that don't make sense. Something about cleaning and the cats and work and my small group and balancing the checkbook.
Dave keeps rubbing my back. "I'll do the dishes" he promises - an attempt to alleviate the heavy load I am feeling. "You can miss youth group... whatever you need." 
He keeps rubbing my back, and I think of John Eldredge's book - or maybe it was Staci's book?, I can't remember - where he talks about his wife dealing with Depression and how he fought like a knight for his wife - battling things she couldn't battle. I remember how comforting this was to read in my twenties when I was still dreaming of who my knight would be... Yes, I imagined how my future husband would slay all the dragons for me. It all seemed so romantic; nothing like me slobbering on the bed, confused and sad and numb.
I pray for Dave to fight for me, like in the book. I cry. He rubs. He is trying. He loves me so much. But he's got dragons too, something my naive 20-year-old self failed to think about as well. But I start to feel a little better. 
...
The cloud starts to lift a little, and I wonder if I've been laying down for years or hours because I feel so old. I start to do what I always do, and will myself to get up. I text my boss. I go back to the bathroom, brush my hair, brush my teeth. Put on makeup. I feed the cats. I gather my things for the day. 
I take a deep breath, and put one foot in front of the other.

Last November 2014, I began a journey of health, healing and beauty. I was inspired by my friend Beth, who had begun her own journey of beauty the previous year. Her journey could totally be renamed: A Journey of Kickassery, as she grabbed the reigns on her health and personal life through diet, exercise, personal writing and more. Seriously. She lost tons of weight, went through major family changes, raised and home-schooled a child and stayed grounded in her faith. She is a passionate, super-fun person, and was able to take all that natural enthusiasm and focus it on improving the quality of her life. I knew I needed to bottle some of that kickassery and jump-start my own journey and proclaim my own fight for health and freedom. 
So, I started by going to my doctor and a natural path. I got my diagnoses in order [more on those later] and made a promise to myself to be super diligent about taking my prescribed medicines and supplements. Folks, this was a biggie for me. I hate taking pills and have always struggled to maintain a daily habit of pill popping. 
I also made a chart, old-school-style, on a big ol' piece of poster board to document my weight loss. I had no idea what a good starting goal would be, so I just marked the chart as far as the paper let me. That was my first goal: to make it to 271lbs by mid-July, 2015, which was about 25 pounds to lose over the course of at least nine months. A super-safe goal. [Nearing so close to 300lbs was a real wake-up call!]
I maintained taking my medicines throughout the winter, but saw no physical difference. My weight stayed fairly consistent, and clothes were no looser. I was pretty disappointed. I did notice changes in my mood, which I credited to my B6 supplement. 
I needed to make another step forward, and when my friend Joy (you'll hear a lot about her too) shared that she was going to use the MyFitnessPal app to maintain a food diary, I said I would join her. This was mid-March. I added everything - EVERYTHING - to that app. A couple things became super clear to me: I didn't like to eat in the morning (so all my calories were in the evening when I was the most inactive) and my portions were all off. I also drank too much soda, specifically Diet Coke, and not enough water. I loved fatty, sugary foods and tended to binge when stressed.
I made a deal with myself to drink one Diet Coke per day. A little over a month later, I realized I hadn't had Diet Coke in several days. I looked up my last Diet Coke on the MyFitnessPal app and it had been over a week since I had consumed a soda. Almost on cue, I got a massive headache that lasted several days, but I maintained not drinking Diet Coke, or any other soda. I was determined. It's now mid-September and I have yet to drink a Diet Coke. Confession: I have had orange soda and Root Beer on occasion, but feel proud of myself for not giving in to drinking Diet Coke. 
I remember years and years and years ago reading an article where Alison Sweeney talked about how when she gave up Diet Coke and sodas, she lost a lot of weight. I was hopeful. 
I added tracking steps - first with a step tracker on my phone and eventually with the FitBit Charge HR. Tracking steps led to making it through two 10,000 steps a day online support groups, walking my neighborhood, and joining a gym. I also tracked water intake. After all of this effort, patience and prayer, by mid-July, I was down to 270.5. I made my goal! Clothes felt better, and people were noticing. To celebrate, I walked/ran my first 5k on July 11th. 
What happens next? I was post-5k, post-meeting my first goal and, honestly, burnt out from maintaining everything. And, well, life happened.
IT was a busy season of youth ministry fund-raising (firework stand!), my 5-year anniversary, a week of camp, big events at work, turning 35, maintaining a home and caring for my hubs and cats AND, folks, it was simply being the hottest summer Oregon has experienced in, like, forever. Due to all of these excuses, my journey took a bit of a pause. I continued to wear my FitBit (though don't make the goal every day) and watched my food and soda intake. I've managed (by God's grace), to maintain my weight, but definitely need to get moving again and get busy on my next big goal.
Enter this blog. As I kick things up again, I am going to add keeping a journal - or well, a blog. I will share goals, ups and downs, and what I am doing to make it all happen. Let's make it happen!